A few weeks ago I wrote an article with the Revs’ top 5 best goals scored.  I mostly did so because… well, what else was there to write about?  The season had been over for New England for weeks.  The team hadn’t announced any significant signings.  There were some minor pieces of news, but nothing so noteworthy it required my input.

Well, I’m happy to report that a lot has changed in the past two weeks!  Yessiree!  I don’t even know where to start, there’s just so… what’s that?  There’s basically no news?  We’re essentially exactly where we were 2 weeks ago?

The Revs officially signed Bobby Wood, though that was all but a given a few weeks ago.  The only other signing of the offseason is a promising young centerback that won’t be eligible to play for the first team until 2024.  It does appear that Esmir Bajraktarevic is training with AZ Alkmaar in the Netherlands, which should be good for his development.  Otherwise it’s all quiet on the northeastern front.

Seeing as I’ve already showcased the Revs best goals of the season, it only seems fair now to highlight the other end of that equation.  It’s no secret that New England underperformed in 2022.  A lot of that had to do with the Revs conceding comically awful goals.  Usually late in the match, and usually to turn a win into a draw or loss.

Here are the 5 goals that stick out in my memory as the worst of the worst.

#5 Farrell Polster Own Goal

Starting the list off with a bang.  This goal is just so… *shudders*.

No matter how you slice it, this is pretty bad.  It’s a bit unlucky, certainly, but Farrell needs to be better aware of his surroundings.  He has time to take a touch and make a pass or at worst clear the ball behind, if he thinks the Red Bulls are closing in.  Instead he opts for a first time clearance.  He smacks it right into Matt Polster and it ricochets directly into their own net.  It’s almost comical.  What makes things worse is… well check the game clock.  New England clears the ball into their own player, into their own net in the 89th minute, all to lose 1-0 at home.  Maybe this should be higher up the list.

#4 NYCFC Makes a Mockery of the Revs Defense

Back in July, NYCFC used every inch of homefield advantage on their pint-sized pitch to spank the Revs 4-2.  This included 2 goals from 3 (!) penalties in the first half.  3 PKs.  IN THE FIRST HALF.  IN. THE. FIRST. HA—ok you get it.

While I don’t necessarily agree with all of those calls, especially the call that gave Andrew Farrell a red card, it was clear that NYCFC could get into good positions seemingly at will.

This is one of two goals conceded in the second half.  Both were breakaways that were saved by Petrovic then slotted home by the trailing runner.  Petrovic had already saved a PK on the day and was under constant siege all afternoon.  I don’t blame him too much for parrying the shot instead of catching it.  Allowing NYCFC to waltz in behind for a breakaway, then being slower to react to the rebound are tough to watch.

Then again, the Revs were throwing numbers forward to find a goal and were playing down a man.  That keeps it at 4 and not higher.

#3 RSL Stuns the Revs and the Downfall Begins

Believe it or not, dear reader, you were once very optimistic about the 2022 season.  Yes, you!  That’s because the Revs were coming off of a record setting season in 2021.  Then they started the year with a road draw at Portland, one of the toughest places to play in MLS.  They followed it up with a 1-0 victory against Dallas, and a commanding 3-0 triumph over Liga MX’s Pumas.

The team was on a roll.  Gil, Bou, Buksa, and Lletget looked like a formidable attack.  Earl Edwards Jr made us all forget that Matt Turner had frostbite.

The next game vs RSL the Revs took a 2 goal lead in the second half.  Even Jozy Altidore was getting in on the action!  Then, seemingly all at once, somebody flipped the “REVS ARE GOOD AT SOCCER” switch back to “OFF”.

RSL promptly scored 3 goals after the 78th minute, Carles Gil dropped an F-bomb on live TV, and the Bruce went on the longest losing streak of his MLS career.  Most of the goals on this list are from the dark 6-8 week period that followed this match.  Eventually New England would get it together, but not before a substantial amount of damage had been done.

#2 Gonzalez gifts Philly a Draw

You didn’t really think we were going to get through a list of “worst goals conceded” without an Omar Gonzalez highlight did you?

I like Omar Gonzalez.  He seems like a good dude.  I have a lot of respect for him being one of the only players to address the media after the US lost in Couva in 2017.  That said, it goes without saying he struggled mightily to start his Revs career.

Most of his blunders fall under the “why-are-you-not-doing-basic-marking” category.

This goal is more of a “which-team-are-you-playing-for” type of catastrophe.

This one stings just a little bit more since I’m no fan of the Philadelphia Union.  Year after year of getting thoroughly trounced at the hands of the ‘Ben Franklin Snakey-Snakes’ had left me feeling more than a bit envious.  That includes, mind you, the 6-1 drubbing that contributed to Brad Friedel getting fired.  So… Thanks, I guess?

It’s all bad stuff here.  Once again, a Revs defender with time and space to properly clear the ball rushes the decision and it ends with a goal.  Worse, Omar Gonzalez has been playing for a long time.  Ideally a veteran of his experience would know to clear the ball, you know, not directly in front of his own goal.  More specifically, not to the other team directly in front of his own goal.  The Revs have enough trouble trying to defend against Philly as it is, without gifting Uhre an easy one time finish into an empty part of the net.

#1 The Calamity in Miam-ity

 

 

Listen, if you think you can come up with a better name I’m all ears.

What else would you call the hat-trick New England gifted to Miami CF’s Leo Campana?

That’s right, this game has 3 goals that belong on this list.  Instead of choosing, I’m just going to show you all three.

Campana goal #1

The Revs entered the game looking to bust the slump they’d been in since the aforementioned RSL match above.  Luckily, Miami was just what the doctor ordered.  The herons missed the playoffs the year before and had to completely re-tool their roster over the offseason.

New England got an early goal from Justin Rennicks to take a 1-0 road lead.  Best just to ride it out and let the defense do what they do best, no doubt.

In this case “what they do best” is get torched to the end-line allowing a cross into the box, then ball-watching instead of covering the only Miami forward in the vicinity.  That one stings.  No doubt about it.

Campana goal #2

Just….not as bad as this one stings.

This one is really best enjoyed while listening to yakety-sax.  It starts at the other end of the field with a Revs free-kick.  The ball turns over and Miami drives toward Brad Knighton’s net.  Not one, but 2 Revolution defenders fail to make a successful tackle.  Then it’s an easy overlapping run from Miami that pulls 5 (count ’em) players towards the ball.  This leave Campana all alone for an easy 2nd.

Campana goal #3

Carle’s Gil managed to bring the Revs back level by way of a 2nd half PK.

Miami was facing extensive roster restrictions as a result of some…imaginative team building the year before.  This meant that for the Revolution to walk away from DRV PNK stadium with just a draw, after earning 73 points just last season, would qualify as a pretty large disappointment.

Disappointment doesn’t begin to describe how fans felt when watching Brad Knighton bobble the ball directly to the feet of Leo Campana for his third.  Knighton, to his credit, makes the correct decision to dive low to intercept the cross.  He can’t hold onto the ball however, and it kind of just bungles into the net.  In the 88th minute.  What was it with this team and giving their opponent’s free goals past the 85th minute?

Woof.  Talk about a Miamittyville Horror.

 

Alright, Revs Nation, what did I forget?  Any goal stand out in your memory as truly awful?  Let me know!

 

Photo Credit: Joe Robbins/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images
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